Consistency
“The progress comes from continuing when you’re not in crisis anymore.” - Anna Cockrell, Olympic Silver Medalist.
During the 2020 Olympics, Anna Cockrell qualified for the Final of the Women’s 400m Hurdles. Unfortunately, she was disqualified for a lane violation after finishing 7th. Last week, she returned to the Olympics, where she won the Silver Medal and finished with the fourth-fastest time in history.
Although many other athletes will be talked about for years to come, what Cockrell said in her post-race press conference sparked something deep within me. When asked what she would tell her younger self from the 2020 Olympics, Cockrell detailed how she would tell herself to go to therapy, become more consistent with her habits, and not quit whenever the parts inside her believed that she was healed. She ended her statement with the quote above detailing the importance of staying on the path even when there isn’t an immediate fire to put out.
I spent many years telling myself the story of my reliability. I truly believed that when it came to love, supporting those around me, or showing up in challenging moments, I was as steady as they came. I believed myself to be a consistent person.
In truth, I was a runner. Unlike Cockrell, I ran at the first sign of discomfort, with my only goal being to protect myself no matter who it hurt or what it cost. Even in the moments where I did bravely show up for others, my internal monologue was always plotting escape routes to avoid having to hold up my share of the weight.
I never finished what I started; instead, I told myself stories of how the world was against me and standing in the way of my ability to be anything more than I was at that moment.
Part of this was a product of my past, and the other part reflected a culture that emphasizes quick fixes.
It is better to apply the bandaid and wait for the wound to heal than to figure out how to avoid getting cut in the first place.
We take vitamins most when sick but don’t continue with them after returning to feeling better. We seek out intimacy when we are lonely but don’t do the work to create the foundation for healthy relationships in the future. We judge our bodies through unrealistic comparisons but don’t do anything to listen to what they actually need.
Or, if you’re like me, you spend your days seeking self-help tools to add to your arsenal but abandon all of them at the first sign of distress, let alone create a daily routine that enables you to avoid crises as much as possible.
For someone who spent so long in survival mode, I don’t judge myself for the inconsistencies of the past. This moment is the only one we are guaranteed, and each of the bandages of the past allowed me to reach it. But when I reflect back on the areas of my life where I have made the greatest progress, it has been the few things that I have not given up on that have been the most life-changing.
Society tells us to have the courage to be warriors in the arena, but no one tells us that real courage is staying in the arena long after the battle is over.
So why do we resist staying the course, telling ourselves that we no longer need what previously saved us from crisis? One answer is that it requires a level of self-love and trust to believe in the possibility that there could be more for us waiting on the horizon.
Essentially, we must believe we are worthy of a life never modeled for us.
If I had never gone to therapy, I would have never realized that I wasn’t broken.
But it was staying in therapy, even after I hit each and every plateau, that has allowed me to literally rewire my brain and feel like I am living my life as myself for the first time.
The only reason I stayed the course was that I was lucky enough to have therapists who saw a vision of healing and who I could become that I didn’t believe was possible. So, I blindly trusted them, no matter how uncomfortable it made me at every turn.
And still, there are so many other areas of my life that I want and need more consistency in.
But now, instead of judging myself for my perceived failures, I ask myself the following:
“Can I love myself enough to see this through, and can I believe myself worthy of something more beautiful on the other side?”
I have found consistency easier to maintain when the only barrier is my ability to pour into myself and no longer a product of the world around me.
Like everyone, I am a work in progress, but I am eternally grateful for the paths I didn’t allow myself to give up on. They are the main reason I sit here writing to you today.
With Love,
Clayton
One Brave Truth…
Lately, I have found myself feeling more happy than ever before. It scares me to admit it out loud or even allow myself to acknowledge it. No matter how hard I have worked to be where I am, I have found that the things I most want to keep inside of me these days are the moments where I feel as though my life is exactly where I want it to be.
So, thank you to all of you who take time out of your day to read my words. Your kindness has contributed significantly to my happiness, which immediately causes me to anxiously wonder if I somehow am missing all of the reasons I should not feel the way I do.
And so the cycle continues.